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Our Own Recovery
"The steps are our solution. They are our survival kit. They are our defense against addiction, a deadly disease. Our steps are the principles that make our recovery possible."
Basic Text, p. 19
There's lots to like in Narcotics Anonymous. The meetings, for one, are great. We get to see our friends, hear some inspiring stories, share some practical experience, maybe even hook up with our sponsor. The camp outs, the conventions, the dances are all wonderful, clean fun in the company of other recovering addicts. But the heart of our recovery program is the Twelve Steps - in fact, they are the program!
We've heard it said that we can't stay clean by osmosis - in other words, we can't just attend meetings, no matter how many, and expect to breath recovery in through the pores of our skin. Recovery, as another saying goes, is an inside job. And the tools we use in working that "inside job" are the Twelve Steps. Hearing endlessly about acceptance is one thing; working the First Step for ourselves is something very different. Stories about making amends may be inspiring, yet nothing will give us the freedom from remorse that taking the Ninth Step ourselves will give. The same applies to all Twelve Steps.
There's much to appreciate about NA, but to get the most from our recovery we must work the Twelve Steps for ourselves.
Just for today: I want everything my personal program has to offer. I shall work the steps for myself.
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An Explanation
What can I say, except to say I'm sorry? It has been quite some times since my last post. To tell you the truth, I've been very very very busy lately. You see, I've been blogging for about three years now and I've managed to earn quite a considerable sums of money via blogging. Not bad for an addict who knows nothing about the Internet but for the last three years!
And now I'm about to create my very own online store as an affiliate, selling other people's products. Tell you more about it later on another post.
Beside the above ongoing projects, I've also been very busy helping fellow Bloggers who are having problems with their BlogSpot's templates. You can see me on CARI Forum and eBlog Templates.
Another exciting news, David Cowgill the founder of eBlog Templates has asked me to join him in another break through project of his. That's all I can tell you for now. Will tell you more about it when it is ready, ok?
From KK to PJ
Last Tuesday (March 3rd, 2009) I received a text message from my dear sister Noor Zihan, telling me that my Father has been admitted to the University Hospital in Petaling Jaya. According to my Sister, the Doctor (an Uncle - yeah, another one of the clan) told my Mum to call all relatives to come and visit my beloved Father.
The Doctor claimed he's not a god that hold life and death of a person. In plain English, my Father's internal organs are only functioning at 11% only. It was a very sad day for me, but I can't just leave my Mother-in-law (Mil). You see, Mil is not well too and my sweet-heart wouldn't let me drive all alone to PJ.
She (dear wife) said, she knew I would played a Pink Floyd's album most probably The Wall at full blast and I would drive like crazy. Well folks, don't you listen to her? She always exaggerate things. I always tell her that I am the most law-abiding driver in the whole world because I was born in a car (that's our private joke when she complained about my driving skill)!
Hehehe, back to the story. After a frantic calls to all my dear wife's brothers and sisters, at last Kak Yong agreed to take our place to take care of Mil but I've to wait until she arrived home here in Kuala Kangsar. I was so grateful to her for helping me in these dire emergency. She was willing to travel all the way from Shah Alam so that I'm able to visit my Father.
Kak Yong reached Kuala Kangsar around 8.30pm and after Isyak praying together with my honey-pie, I started my journey south around 10pm. Like I said above, I'm the most law-abiding driver in the whole world especially when my dearest is sitting beside me. I drove slowly all the way. No Pink Floyd, no Lynyrd Skynyrd no nothing accompanying me throughout these journey.
Actually my thought was somewhere else, back to the days with my Father since I was small till the present day. I can still remember how proud my Father was with me. Maybe it is because I'm the eldest and his only son. He would proudly tell to all my relatives and his friends how I would be a somebody when I grow-up.
Thinking about it made my tears flowed uncontrollably. Even though it was dark in the car, I could sense my beloved wife knew what was going on in my mind. I could feel her holding my hand, squeezing it every now and then all the way. No words was necessary. I was grateful to her for just being there with me.
Uphill Downhill
I could see his happy face when I told him that I've scored 4 'A' back in the year 1971 when I was in Standard Five. Then in 1972, I received the news that I've been offered a place in a newly formed boarding school, Science Secondary School (Sekolah Menengah Sains). Another 'pulut kuning' for me. My father held a large 'kenduri' to celebrate my successes for gaining a place in an elite boarding school. Almost all my relatives were presence, including my Father's friends. Yeah, I was beaming with pride too.
I got another 'pulut kuning' back in 1975 when I scored an aggregate of eleven for my LCE (Lower Certificate of Education). I can see my Father happy face when I told him that. I was happy too because I've made him proud of me. Then I made another head-line in 1976. That was the year when I and a few fellow students followed Mr. Brigg (our Chemistry's tutor) to an expedition to climb Mount Tahan (Gunung Tahan at 2187 m, is the highest peak in Peninsular Malaysia). It was a gruesome 7 days journey to the top, but at the end it was worth it. Then Spectrum, a member of NST (New Strait Times) published about our journey in an article called Lure of The Mountain. Immediately, we became mega-stars, an elite group of Sekolah Menengah Sains.
That episode affected my Father as well. Another proud moments in his life brought about by, ahem... yours truly. I guess that was the last time I became the pride and joy of my Father. By that time onward, I've started smoking drugs regularly. Before, I only took it during the weekend. Then came MCE (Malaysia Certificate of Education). I didn't get a credit for my BM (Bahasa Malaysia) which relegated my result to a Second Grade. For that I lost the chance to further my study oversea where most of my friends went either to the UK or US. Even though I did managed to enroll to ITM (Institiut Teknologi MARA), it was never the same. From there, my life turned downhill.
I'm pretty my Father was heart-broken because I've made the wrong turned. I wish I could turned back the clock and starts all over again and to be the pride and joy to my Father again. It was such a sad, sad situation. Upon seeing my Father laying helplessly on the hospital's bed, I was choked to say anything. I felt even though I managed to say I'm sorry to my Father a hundred times, it will never be enough...
Before I took my leave, below are a few pictures taken during my trip from Kuala Kangsar to University Hospital in Petaling Jaya.
Picture was taken on the first morning I arrived from KK after spending the night in my Sister's house in Bukit Jelutong, Shah Alam - March 4th, 2009.
Picture of my Mother, two of my Sisters (the youngest not in the picture) and my Brother-in-law who took turned between themselves to be with my Father and sleeping at the hospital - March 4th, 2009.
Here is my precious Wife, the anchor of my life sitting serenely at the front porch of my parent's house in Lenggeng. After leaving the house for several days, my Mother decided to go back home in Lenggeng. Again, I traveled on south to Lenggeng so that my dear Mum could took care of her Siamese cats, chickens and whatnots - March 5th, 2009.
Hugging my beloved Mum, before embarking on another journey up north back to Kuala Kangsar - March 6th, 2009.
Father was sad when I told him that I gotta go back home to Kuala Kangsar because Kak Yong who was helping me taking care of Mil has to go back home to Shah Alam. While hugging my Father, I managed to whisper (I was choked to say anything) asking him to forgive me - March 6th, 2009.
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